There is no such thing as a bad relationship. There are only bad experiences. A lot of us have had past relationships that had cut ugly wounds into our souls and had left behind ugly scars that we carry even today. And it is easy to explain it away as a bad relationship, but let’s face it, there must have been something good about it to even give it roots in the first place.
When we reach out to people, seeking to be loved, we are looking for more than just the three little words I LOVE YOU. We are seeking a sense of belonging and some sort of validation and we normally find it in the people we choose to fall in love with. But as with each experience, different factors can come into play and the once upon a time fantasy situation will begin to turn toxic until we find ourselves wondering why we ever got into such a situation in the first place. Sometimes we get so confused by the negativity that we fail to acknowledge that it was good once upon a time.
Recently a friend of mine tried to hook me up with a ‘nice man’ because in her opinion I was alone, therefore sad. I had for a couple of months before then been on top of my world because I was in love and felt loved, then everything came crashing down. I found myself in a strait trying to prove that I loved, when indeed it was futile. Love that is not received in faith will never be received. That was when it finally occurred to me that by forcing it - by continually trying to prove that I indeed loved, I was only wasting energy. It was in a way like my castle was actually built with a pack of cards. I paused, took a step back, re-evaluated the damage and decided not to dwell on my lose. Instead, I would celebrate the happy times. Yet I am human so there was a tinge of sadness in my aloneness which was why she though she needed to step forward and rescue me.
I tried to tell her that I didn’t consider my lose a bad experience, because unlike my other loses, this was not ignited by hostility, it was an explosion of ignited emotions that could have been avoided. I took from it all the positivity it had and was able to sieve out what I know I will not repeat in the future if I find myself in a similar situation. Broken relationships are the best tools for learning to be better and I had learned. But I didn’t feel ready to move on so I was happy in my aloneness.
The sad thing about her attempt was that she didn’t seem to understand that chemistry between two people is not something that can be created. It’s either there or it is not there. I told the ‘nice man’ that I was sorry for wasting his time but I was already taken. The truth was, I had reached a stage where I decided I would celebrate my aloneness. It isn’t being masochistic, it’s being realistic.
There is something special about loving. About being loved but ESPECIALLY about giving love. The satisfaction of giving love is not about saying ‘I love you if you’d love me back’, it’s about saying ‘I love you period’. The greater joy comes when the love we give is received without question or suspicion. However, there is a sense of peace that comes with stepping back and letting go when the love we share is not being received. For it is a great show of love not to importune someone with a love not trusted.
© Naan Pocen